My 1st and only child services case
After Charlie made the abuse allegations in the paperwork I sarcastically said "what's next, are you going to call child services on me?" Well wouldn't you know that within a week of me saying that, child services called me and came to my home. As a parent I am actually really grateful that they took the accusations seriously. They don't know me, or my family, so it was comforting to know that they take the time to check into these types of allegations. The frustrating part was knowing how this was effecting Cindy and that they were wasting their time and resources on a fake call.
The case worker asked me and my mother some questions. We were both honest about her being allowed to spank Cindy. Then they privately asked Cindy some more questions. Within a few days the case was closed and they determined that the call was made as a form of retaliation. That is apparently and unfortunately, quit common. How is this not illegal!? Once they investigate and determine the call was made on bad merit, there should be some form of reprocussion or this will continue to be a tactic that angry and manipulative parents use.
The kidnapping
Apparently it made Charlie extremely mad that his lastest sceme didn't turn out the way he planned. So he moved on to "bigger and better" tactics to try to get me to drop the case.
At first he would keep Cindy just a few days past the pre scheduled time, 1 of those times she missed her own birthday party! This was becoming just a big game to him. How bad could he hurt me before I'd give in. He clearly had no reguard for how this was effecting Cindy. She was so sad and confused by everything going on. I tried my best to comfort her by telling her that daddy and I were making some adjustments to the schedule so she might have a different routine for a little while.
Finally he realized I was not going to give in. (Not because I was playing his game, but because I knew that what I was doing would ultimately be for her safety and well-being). That's when he decided not to bring her back at all!
Every few days he had a new reason. The abuse allegations (which were proven false), the way my husband supposedly treated her, then finally he said he was concerned that I was doing drugs around her! He even took her to a doctor to get a drug test done. Looking back I know why he did it. He was making sure nothing got into her system when he had smoked weed around her.
This was one of the very toughest things I have ever gone through! I tried everything to get her back. Of course I called the police (but they couldn't take her back because we currently had no court orders in place yet). The only thing they could do was preform a well check every few days. As long as she looked healthy, there was food in the cupboards, and no outright signs of drug use or abuse..they couldn't do a damn thing!
Then I decided to try to take her out of school, because once she was back home then he couldn't take her back from me. But he was already 5 steps ahead of me. He had told her school that he was suspicious of abuse in the home and that he wanted to sit in her class all day everyday. They let him, which meant since she was already in the custody of one parent the other one couldn't take her..without consent.
Those 23 days were seriously a living hell! He let her call me only twice, and both times she begged me to come get her! I of course didn't want to scare her any more than she already was, so I would say something like " I know honey I miss you too, you'll be home soon I'm just not sure exactly when." Among other things to try to make light of the situation and not give her more cause for concern. You will never understand how hard that was to do, unless you have been there. I wanted to scream "I'm trying baby, I'm doing my very best to get you home safe, just try to make this easier on yourself and Don't tell Daddy you miss me or want to come home!"
I'm crying even as I write this because I still can't imagine what was going on inside her mind, or what he was telling her. Possibly that mommy doesn't want you to come home? Or you're going to stay here forever?
During this time I was also writing up and filing my motion to oppose his request for temporary orders, and my own temporary orders. (I wasn't sure which one was required so I did both.)
Finally 3 days before our first hearing he let her come home. Probably because he realized his kidnapping might not go over well with the courts.
I found out from Cindy that Charlie and Amy were fighting almost constantly in the last 2 weeks that Cindy was there. Maybe that's why he let her come home also? I don't know.
I know 23 days doesn't seem like a long time but it is when you don't have your child and you're worried sick about them!
My other daughter was a mess without her big sissy. She asked about her everyday! I took a picture of the moment they saw eachother after that time apart and it is the most beautiful picture I have of my girls. They have the biggest smiles on their faces as they stare at each other for what seemed like forever.
In the next post I'll explain what I stated in my opposing and personal temp orders.
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Friday, September 28, 2018
Charlie's Answer to my Parentage Petition
For months leading up to me filing I had told Charlie that if we couldn't come to an agreement I would be filing before Cindy started school. I don't think he took me seriously. I had always been so passive and willing to do anything to keep the peace.. so I can only imagine how shocked he was when he received the paperwork.
I don't care how passive I had been in the past, now it was a matter of our daughter's well-being.. so I went into full Mama Bear mode and was willing to do whatever it took to protect her.
I attempted to file for temporary orders but since I didn't know all the court language at the time I was calling it a protective order. Because of this I was told I was unable to file a protective order without police reports, or overwhelming evidence of abuse. (I wasn't kidding when I said I made some very critical mistakes at the beginning)
When Charles filed his answer he also filed for temporary orders. He stated that Cindy had lived 50% of the time in both homes and that we both have always provided for her. He also said that my mother had been physically abusing Cindy.
(This may upset some people but I'll always be completely transparent as I write this out, I did let my mom spank Cindy.) As a grandparent and at times her childcare provider, I had given my mom permission to spank as a last resort. She rarely spanked her, maybe once a year, if that. Around this time Cindy started coming back from her dad's house saying ugly disrespectful things to everyone, including my mother. At first I excused the disrespect because I knew it was things that her dad was filling her head with. Later when she started seeing a therapist he told me I still have to hold Cindy accountable for what she does wrong even if someone is putting these thoughts/actions in her head. I still needed to teach her that negative actions have consequences. So when she would tell my mom things like "shut up I don't have to listen to you" I let my mom spank her. Just one swat at a time, not hard or excessively. I even spoke with the courts, the police, and the therapist to make sure this was legal. Charlie knew that I had always allowed my mom to spank Cindy when absolutely necessary, and up until this point he was on board with it. But now he took the opportunity to twist what was happening and say that that my mother was excessively beating Cindy.
He also said that my husband was verbally abusive towards Cindy and that he treated her horrible in comparison to his children. All of a sudden Cindy would come back from her dad's hating her stepfather, whom she previously adored. Saying he was the reason me and her dad were no longer a family. He also told her that my husband is trying to replace him.
Needless to say I immediately started the paperwork to file a statement opposing his motion for temporary orders. In the next post I'll explain what I included in that order as well explain what happened when he kidnapped Cindy for 23 days!
I don't care how passive I had been in the past, now it was a matter of our daughter's well-being.. so I went into full Mama Bear mode and was willing to do whatever it took to protect her.
I attempted to file for temporary orders but since I didn't know all the court language at the time I was calling it a protective order. Because of this I was told I was unable to file a protective order without police reports, or overwhelming evidence of abuse. (I wasn't kidding when I said I made some very critical mistakes at the beginning)
When Charles filed his answer he also filed for temporary orders. He stated that Cindy had lived 50% of the time in both homes and that we both have always provided for her. He also said that my mother had been physically abusing Cindy.
(This may upset some people but I'll always be completely transparent as I write this out, I did let my mom spank Cindy.) As a grandparent and at times her childcare provider, I had given my mom permission to spank as a last resort. She rarely spanked her, maybe once a year, if that. Around this time Cindy started coming back from her dad's house saying ugly disrespectful things to everyone, including my mother. At first I excused the disrespect because I knew it was things that her dad was filling her head with. Later when she started seeing a therapist he told me I still have to hold Cindy accountable for what she does wrong even if someone is putting these thoughts/actions in her head. I still needed to teach her that negative actions have consequences. So when she would tell my mom things like "shut up I don't have to listen to you" I let my mom spank her. Just one swat at a time, not hard or excessively. I even spoke with the courts, the police, and the therapist to make sure this was legal. Charlie knew that I had always allowed my mom to spank Cindy when absolutely necessary, and up until this point he was on board with it. But now he took the opportunity to twist what was happening and say that that my mother was excessively beating Cindy.
He also said that my husband was verbally abusive towards Cindy and that he treated her horrible in comparison to his children. All of a sudden Cindy would come back from her dad's hating her stepfather, whom she previously adored. Saying he was the reason me and her dad were no longer a family. He also told her that my husband is trying to replace him.
Needless to say I immediately started the paperwork to file a statement opposing his motion for temporary orders. In the next post I'll explain what I included in that order as well explain what happened when he kidnapped Cindy for 23 days!
Thursday, September 27, 2018
Officially Filing for Custody
The filing process
It was now up to me to navigate the process but also attempt to gain an understanding of all the paperwork and verbiage. I now understand why lawyers charge so much! There is so much involved in these types of cases that you never have to see or figure out when you have an attorney.
In our state it turns out that even if the parents were never married a custody case is filed much like a divorce, but without the splitting of assets and required divorce classes. Also, since we were never married we both had to agree that he was her biological father, or he and/or I could request a DNA test. Neither one of us requested this.
The paperwork I filed was as followed (even though I was not requesting child support, I was told all documents were required to file):
Verified parenting petition- This is basically an overview of current facts (addresses, income, child's detailed info) and also what exactly you are asking for. The schedule you want in detail, who you want to pay for child care, medical insurance, and who you believe has the right to claim the child on taxes. There was also a section available to list additional provisions. I wasn't sure exactly what was being an asked of me in this section so I just listed the reasons why I was filing, and why I felt it was in Cindy's best interest for these standards to be set in place. I also requested a psychological evaluation as well as parenting and anger management classes for Charlie.
Income verification in compliance with the uniform child support guidelines- on this form I needed to list both of our income information to the best of my knowledge.
Child support worksheet- based on our incomes this form calculates the child support amount.
Notice of URCP 26.1 disclosure and Discovery requirements in domestic relations actions- this just stated what documents we needed to submit. The financial declaration, 12 months of pay stubs (if applicable), the value of any real estate we individually owned,12 months of loan application history, and our previous 2 years tax returns.
Affidavit of other parents earnings - this state's what I think his yearly earnings are (a lot of the documents were very similar to others, but I proceeded to submit whatever documents were listed)
Finding of facts and conclusions of law- same exact thing as a verified parenting petition.
Parentage decree and judgment- same EXACT information as the finding of fact and conclusions of law AND the parenting petition.
Acceptance of service, appearance, consent and waiver- I had to submit this paperwork when I served him and it stated that he has read everything and he understands his rights. Also that he understands what I'm saying and asking for it even if he doesn't agree.
Summons- this is to let him know that he is required to file an answer within 21 days of receiving my paperwork. He must file it with the court and serve me with an answer. Basically it states that he's being sued for custody.
The filing fees came out to about $350 and I was also required to hire someone to serve him with these documents. I choose to go through the authorities to make sure it was done properly. There was a base fee plus a mileage fee for serving.
I was certain that I would hear from him the minute he received this paperwork.
It was now up to me to navigate the process but also attempt to gain an understanding of all the paperwork and verbiage. I now understand why lawyers charge so much! There is so much involved in these types of cases that you never have to see or figure out when you have an attorney.
In our state it turns out that even if the parents were never married a custody case is filed much like a divorce, but without the splitting of assets and required divorce classes. Also, since we were never married we both had to agree that he was her biological father, or he and/or I could request a DNA test. Neither one of us requested this.
The paperwork I filed was as followed (even though I was not requesting child support, I was told all documents were required to file):
Verified parenting petition- This is basically an overview of current facts (addresses, income, child's detailed info) and also what exactly you are asking for. The schedule you want in detail, who you want to pay for child care, medical insurance, and who you believe has the right to claim the child on taxes. There was also a section available to list additional provisions. I wasn't sure exactly what was being an asked of me in this section so I just listed the reasons why I was filing, and why I felt it was in Cindy's best interest for these standards to be set in place. I also requested a psychological evaluation as well as parenting and anger management classes for Charlie.
Income verification in compliance with the uniform child support guidelines- on this form I needed to list both of our income information to the best of my knowledge.
Child support worksheet- based on our incomes this form calculates the child support amount.
Notice of URCP 26.1 disclosure and Discovery requirements in domestic relations actions- this just stated what documents we needed to submit. The financial declaration, 12 months of pay stubs (if applicable), the value of any real estate we individually owned,12 months of loan application history, and our previous 2 years tax returns.
Affidavit of other parents earnings - this state's what I think his yearly earnings are (a lot of the documents were very similar to others, but I proceeded to submit whatever documents were listed)
Finding of facts and conclusions of law- same exact thing as a verified parenting petition.
Parentage decree and judgment- same EXACT information as the finding of fact and conclusions of law AND the parenting petition.
Acceptance of service, appearance, consent and waiver- I had to submit this paperwork when I served him and it stated that he has read everything and he understands his rights. Also that he understands what I'm saying and asking for it even if he doesn't agree.
Summons- this is to let him know that he is required to file an answer within 21 days of receiving my paperwork. He must file it with the court and serve me with an answer. Basically it states that he's being sued for custody.
The filing fees came out to about $350 and I was also required to hire someone to serve him with these documents. I choose to go through the authorities to make sure it was done properly. There was a base fee plus a mileage fee for serving.
I was certain that I would hear from him the minute he received this paperwork.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Interviewing lawyers feels like speed dating!
Where do I start
As far as I knew I just needed to file a few documents with the court, attend the hearing, and then the courts make their decision. Case closed.
I told my current boss that I was filing for custody but not to worry because I would only need 1 day off in the near future to attend our hearing.
I remember him actually laughing at me, not condescendingly, but now looking back I'm certain it was at my naivety. He told me that things were going to be much more complicated than that. I assured him that would not be the case with our situation. I had overwhelming evidence of Charlie's instability, both physically and mentally, plus he has a criminal record and couldn't pass a drug test. This will be an open shut case............Boy was I wrong!
Where the heck do I start!
I had consultations with a few local attorneys. The good ones were way too expensive and the affordable ones were total jerks! One even tried to scare me out of filing and assured me that if I did I would lose Cindy to states custody (since I was trying to remove her other parent from her life..side note..that was NEVER my intention) when I told him about Charlie's past criminal record, current drug use, and the psychological abuse inflicted on Cindy, he told me that I was lucky her dad even wanted to be in her life and then had the nerve to ask "if Charlie was THAT BAD, of a guy then why did I have a child with him" He then proceeded to ask me if I was perfect, because "all parents make mistakes that doesn't make them a bad person". Here I was trying to vet this man to possibly be my attorney and he was acting as if he was working for the other party! Spoiler alert, 6 months later he ended up being Charlie's attorney! (You can't make this stuff up!)
There was one particular attorney that stood out to me as actually being a decent human being and not just a scummy lawyer looking to make a quick buck. He was very straight forward with me. He felt I had a strong case and gave me pointers on how to file on my own. He understood that I was not in a position to hire a high end attorney so he gave me his direct email address and made himself readily available for any questions I might have along the way. (That is pretty unheard of!)
Most of the other lawyers I consulted with wanted to make things much uglier than I was OK with, and go in with guns blazing. Their intentions were to try to get as much money as possible or to completely remove Charlie as a parental figure. I realized that the only way I would be able to approach this in a way that I felt comfortable with, would be for me to represent myself.
Google became my new best friend. I was able to find self help resources in my area as well as other information on my states court website. This site provided a breakdown of which forms I would need to file, as well as a vague overview of the steps I would need to take to proceed without an attorney.
Court document verbiage can be so complex and intimidating! I started researching the subject like it was my full-time job, while always having a dictionary on hand.
Meanwhile I actually did have a full-time job and my one year old was having very serious health issues that required her to have multiple hospital stays, and helping my mom who was regaining her normalcy after having several Strokes. During this time my husband was on the road for work.
I don't say all of this to brag on myself or to appear superhuman. I just think it's important to mention these things because no matter how big or overwhelming issues may seem, they are in fact possible when your "why" is important enough. I also want to help people who feel like this is just too much or too hard. One important tool I had learned during the time when my plate was overflowing, was to compartmentalize. Allow yourself blocks of time to focus on each individual task at hand. Then shut that door and focus on the next.
I am not exceptionally intelligent, in fact I don't even have a college degree. With that being said, I want you to know it doesn't matter what your status is in life it is absolutely possible to do this on your own! If you live in the state of Utah please reach out to me and I would be more than happy to give you the contacts and resources I gained along the way.
As far as I knew I just needed to file a few documents with the court, attend the hearing, and then the courts make their decision. Case closed.
I told my current boss that I was filing for custody but not to worry because I would only need 1 day off in the near future to attend our hearing.
I remember him actually laughing at me, not condescendingly, but now looking back I'm certain it was at my naivety. He told me that things were going to be much more complicated than that. I assured him that would not be the case with our situation. I had overwhelming evidence of Charlie's instability, both physically and mentally, plus he has a criminal record and couldn't pass a drug test. This will be an open shut case............Boy was I wrong!
Where the heck do I start!
I had consultations with a few local attorneys. The good ones were way too expensive and the affordable ones were total jerks! One even tried to scare me out of filing and assured me that if I did I would lose Cindy to states custody (since I was trying to remove her other parent from her life..side note..that was NEVER my intention) when I told him about Charlie's past criminal record, current drug use, and the psychological abuse inflicted on Cindy, he told me that I was lucky her dad even wanted to be in her life and then had the nerve to ask "if Charlie was THAT BAD, of a guy then why did I have a child with him" He then proceeded to ask me if I was perfect, because "all parents make mistakes that doesn't make them a bad person". Here I was trying to vet this man to possibly be my attorney and he was acting as if he was working for the other party! Spoiler alert, 6 months later he ended up being Charlie's attorney! (You can't make this stuff up!)
There was one particular attorney that stood out to me as actually being a decent human being and not just a scummy lawyer looking to make a quick buck. He was very straight forward with me. He felt I had a strong case and gave me pointers on how to file on my own. He understood that I was not in a position to hire a high end attorney so he gave me his direct email address and made himself readily available for any questions I might have along the way. (That is pretty unheard of!)
Most of the other lawyers I consulted with wanted to make things much uglier than I was OK with, and go in with guns blazing. Their intentions were to try to get as much money as possible or to completely remove Charlie as a parental figure. I realized that the only way I would be able to approach this in a way that I felt comfortable with, would be for me to represent myself.
Google became my new best friend. I was able to find self help resources in my area as well as other information on my states court website. This site provided a breakdown of which forms I would need to file, as well as a vague overview of the steps I would need to take to proceed without an attorney.
Court document verbiage can be so complex and intimidating! I started researching the subject like it was my full-time job, while always having a dictionary on hand.
Meanwhile I actually did have a full-time job and my one year old was having very serious health issues that required her to have multiple hospital stays, and helping my mom who was regaining her normalcy after having several Strokes. During this time my husband was on the road for work.
I don't say all of this to brag on myself or to appear superhuman. I just think it's important to mention these things because no matter how big or overwhelming issues may seem, they are in fact possible when your "why" is important enough. I also want to help people who feel like this is just too much or too hard. One important tool I had learned during the time when my plate was overflowing, was to compartmentalize. Allow yourself blocks of time to focus on each individual task at hand. Then shut that door and focus on the next.
I am not exceptionally intelligent, in fact I don't even have a college degree. With that being said, I want you to know it doesn't matter what your status is in life it is absolutely possible to do this on your own! If you live in the state of Utah please reach out to me and I would be more than happy to give you the contacts and resources I gained along the way.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
I made him an offer he couldn't refuse (or so I thought)
As things progressively got worse I knew I had to take action. I felt the right thing to do was at least ATTEMPT to civilly come to an agreement before just filing. Unfortunately I knew that probably wouldn't be the outcome but I had to at least try.
Currently I was the primary parent but our schedule was very inconsistent. Since she wasn't yet in school, the days she went with her father changed week-to-week. Sometimes it was a weekend, sometimes weekdays, sometimes twice in one week, sometimes no visits at all for a few weeks. So for many reasons this needed to change- for our daughter's sake.
My offer was this:
We keep the schedule pretty much as is but with more definitive standards.
Our daughter would continue to live primarily with me and she would be able to spend every other weekend with him as well as one weekday after school. (Basically the same as the standard court schedule would be) I would, as always, continue to be flexible when it came to family functions, special occasions, and last-minute emergencies and/or events.
I would be the custodial parent and therefore make all major decisions concerning her well-being, education, medical, and religion. I would discuss important issues with him and absolutely take into consideration his opinions and viewpoints, but ultimately I would be the final decision maker. This is pretty much how it had been all along, but just not on paper. I consulted him for every major decision and it was always World War 3. He had a lot of opinions on what I should do and how I should do it, but with none of the responsibility. I was always the one to handle the major issues, and I was definitely the one that financially provided for those issues. (Child care, medical..and so on) If there was an opportunity to fight me on something he almost always took advantage of those opportunities.
One example would be that he never really had an opinion regarding her religion. The very week that I started taking her to a non denominational church, he took her to a Buddhist temple. (for the record I have nothing at all against Buddhism, but he did things like this just to create conflict and with no regard for how they affected our daughter.)
I also offered to not request any child support from him. I would not ask for a penny from him if he would agree to these terms. And I would financially provide for everything in her life. (As it had been her whole life up until I got married, then it was my husband and I providing for her.)
His response
He not only refused my offer but instead he responded by letting me know he was going to counter file for full custody and demand child support from me. I later found out that he was defrauding the welfare system by pretending to be her sole provider. Since we had no court order in place he was getting away with it. (This gets brought up in one of our many hearings, but I'll get into all that in a later post) He also started telling Cindy I was trying to remove him from her life. This is when things got much worse.
That was when I firmly decided it was time.
Currently I was the primary parent but our schedule was very inconsistent. Since she wasn't yet in school, the days she went with her father changed week-to-week. Sometimes it was a weekend, sometimes weekdays, sometimes twice in one week, sometimes no visits at all for a few weeks. So for many reasons this needed to change- for our daughter's sake.
My offer was this:
We keep the schedule pretty much as is but with more definitive standards.
Our daughter would continue to live primarily with me and she would be able to spend every other weekend with him as well as one weekday after school. (Basically the same as the standard court schedule would be) I would, as always, continue to be flexible when it came to family functions, special occasions, and last-minute emergencies and/or events.
I would be the custodial parent and therefore make all major decisions concerning her well-being, education, medical, and religion. I would discuss important issues with him and absolutely take into consideration his opinions and viewpoints, but ultimately I would be the final decision maker. This is pretty much how it had been all along, but just not on paper. I consulted him for every major decision and it was always World War 3. He had a lot of opinions on what I should do and how I should do it, but with none of the responsibility. I was always the one to handle the major issues, and I was definitely the one that financially provided for those issues. (Child care, medical..and so on) If there was an opportunity to fight me on something he almost always took advantage of those opportunities.
One example would be that he never really had an opinion regarding her religion. The very week that I started taking her to a non denominational church, he took her to a Buddhist temple. (for the record I have nothing at all against Buddhism, but he did things like this just to create conflict and with no regard for how they affected our daughter.)
I also offered to not request any child support from him. I would not ask for a penny from him if he would agree to these terms. And I would financially provide for everything in her life. (As it had been her whole life up until I got married, then it was my husband and I providing for her.)
His response
He not only refused my offer but instead he responded by letting me know he was going to counter file for full custody and demand child support from me. I later found out that he was defrauding the welfare system by pretending to be her sole provider. Since we had no court order in place he was getting away with it. (This gets brought up in one of our many hearings, but I'll get into all that in a later post) He also started telling Cindy I was trying to remove him from her life. This is when things got much worse.
That was when I firmly decided it was time.
Friday, September 7, 2018
A break from the story
Time-out
To this day I have never spoke negatively about Charlie in front of our daughter. No matter what horrible things he said (especially later once the court proceedings started) I never defended myself from what she heard (although looking back, certain things I should have). My driving force in all of this was my hope that one day she would understand why I did what I did, but also respect me for never belittling or saying bad things about her father, (I'm not going to lie and say it was easy..there were time I would want to snap over certain things she would come home saying). The very most I would say was "I'm not sure why dad said that, maybe he was confused or that was his view or belief at that particular time, but I can assure you Rob is not trying to take your dad's place" (or whatever that particular accusation was at the time.) And then I would leave it at that.
Above all I wanted her to see that despite everything going on, I would never want her to think badly of her father. I want to be her safe place, not another parent bashing the other. I can't control what others do, but I can control what I say and do.
I have read and seen first-hand the damage it causes a child when both parents are talking bad about the other one. It causes the child to not trust either parent, and statistically it raises a child's chance of later becoming involved in gangs and/or drugs to seek solace from the storm at home and in their mind.
Letters to Cindy
- I write Cindy letters and I have since she was a baby in my belly. Letters about milestones she's reaching, or what I see when I look at her precious face. Letters about what's going on in the world and what I hope for her in the future. Recently I started writing her letters about what's going on between me and her dad. Not to speak negatively about him, but more so an honest account of what took place and the reasoning for why I did, said, or didn't say or do certain things. One day she's going to ask questions and she's going to be old enough to deserve the truth. My only hope is that she understands that everything I did was out of love and protection for her.
- Ultimately I decided it was okay to write about the situation. If I can help even one parent going through something similar then it needs to be said (written). This is one of the biggest, scariest processes you will ever go through! There are no definitive answers to every question you will have during this time. And unfortunately you will doubt yourself several times along the way. But one thing I hope you don't have to feel is alone.
Hurricane Charlie (category 4)
True colors
It turns out that if you truly don't change your life for the better you can only hold up a facade for so long. Little by little things seemed to go down hill again. When Cindy would come home she would tell me that dad won't let her call me anymore and if she even asked to call home, he gets very upset and puts inappropriate guilt on her by saying "why do you need your mom, do you love her more than me?" he then started playing mind games with her, telling her my husband was the reason we were no longer a family, and that he was trying to replace him, as her father.
Disciplinary tactics became borderline psychological abuse. On any given day if he felt like she hadn't drank enough water he would put her in a corner and pour pitchers of water on her! One time she had gotten in trouble and he calmly asked her to bring him her favorite toy and then proceeded to smash it in a hundreds of pieces right in front of her. She still talks about that episode to this day. she told me she picked up a small piece of the toy of put it in her dresser so she could always remember it.
Anytime she would get hurt at his house he would start crying and begging her not to tell me or else "mom will never let you see daddy again!" So of course she was terrified to tell me anything.
Taking action
You may be wondering why I didn't immediately take action. Well out of fear and intimation, she didn't tell me most things until weeks or months later. Sadly there may still be a lot I don't know about.
I also found out (much later) that when they were living in a trailer in Amy's parents backyard, he made Cindy sleep alone outside in a tent so they could do drugs and smoke weed. Personally, I have nothing against people who smoke weed. I don't do it, but to each their own...just not in front of my child! At 3 years old she could describe it to me perfectly. What it looked and smelled like, and how silly dad's voice sounds when he inhales it. Since weed is still illegal in the state we live, smoking around a child carries even more danger here.
My first thought was to call CPS of course, not just because of the weed incident, but everything combined. I ended up speaking to a professional who advised against it. He said that since everything I knew was from weeks or months prior, there was no guarantee that anything would be done about it except for getting Cindy in trouble with her father. Which may not sound like a big deal, but it was. Anytime he found out that she told me what goes on, he would be irreparably mean and psychologically abusive towards her, therefore causing her to not want to tell me anything else. And since most of what he was doing wasn't legally considered abuse I made the choice to wait and bring up what I knew in court when I filed for custody. Where it would truly be to Cindy's benefit.
Trouble for Amy
During this time I received a few frantic phone calls from Amy. She had had enough of his drinking and anger, and asked me how did I deal with it during our relationship. I was at a loss at how to handle this information. Should I be honest with this young fragile girl and tell her that my advice was to run as fast as she could while she still had ambition and some self worth? Before he crushed her soul and made her feel like everything she did wasn't good enough, that she wasn't good enough. Do I risk my daughter losing the only somewhat mature and responsible parental figure she had at her dad's? At this point it was Amy who was providing all my daughter's needs when she visited her father. He once again was not working and was living off of the girl he was with. Amy was no saint, but she was young and impressionable, clearly with low self esteem. She clung to the first person that made her feel special, and then he used that co-dependancy to control and manipulate her. I knew this because it wasn't that long ago that I was that girl.
In the end I decided to tell her that this was a decision only she could make. I told her that everyone has a breaking point, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says, you are not going to leave until you're ready. To this day I'm not sure if Charlie knows about those conversations. And unfortunately she still hasn't reached her breaking point. As of now they have been together 6 years and got married last fall. Everytime I see her timidly and silently walking behind him I feel bad for her. In the brief moments I've seen her apart from Charlie she is happy and full of life. I'm somewhat hopeful that one day she will make the choice to leave if things don't get better for her.
It turns out that if you truly don't change your life for the better you can only hold up a facade for so long. Little by little things seemed to go down hill again. When Cindy would come home she would tell me that dad won't let her call me anymore and if she even asked to call home, he gets very upset and puts inappropriate guilt on her by saying "why do you need your mom, do you love her more than me?" he then started playing mind games with her, telling her my husband was the reason we were no longer a family, and that he was trying to replace him, as her father.
Disciplinary tactics became borderline psychological abuse. On any given day if he felt like she hadn't drank enough water he would put her in a corner and pour pitchers of water on her! One time she had gotten in trouble and he calmly asked her to bring him her favorite toy and then proceeded to smash it in a hundreds of pieces right in front of her. She still talks about that episode to this day. she told me she picked up a small piece of the toy of put it in her dresser so she could always remember it.
Anytime she would get hurt at his house he would start crying and begging her not to tell me or else "mom will never let you see daddy again!" So of course she was terrified to tell me anything.
Taking action
You may be wondering why I didn't immediately take action. Well out of fear and intimation, she didn't tell me most things until weeks or months later. Sadly there may still be a lot I don't know about.
I also found out (much later) that when they were living in a trailer in Amy's parents backyard, he made Cindy sleep alone outside in a tent so they could do drugs and smoke weed. Personally, I have nothing against people who smoke weed. I don't do it, but to each their own...just not in front of my child! At 3 years old she could describe it to me perfectly. What it looked and smelled like, and how silly dad's voice sounds when he inhales it. Since weed is still illegal in the state we live, smoking around a child carries even more danger here.
My first thought was to call CPS of course, not just because of the weed incident, but everything combined. I ended up speaking to a professional who advised against it. He said that since everything I knew was from weeks or months prior, there was no guarantee that anything would be done about it except for getting Cindy in trouble with her father. Which may not sound like a big deal, but it was. Anytime he found out that she told me what goes on, he would be irreparably mean and psychologically abusive towards her, therefore causing her to not want to tell me anything else. And since most of what he was doing wasn't legally considered abuse I made the choice to wait and bring up what I knew in court when I filed for custody. Where it would truly be to Cindy's benefit.
Trouble for Amy
During this time I received a few frantic phone calls from Amy. She had had enough of his drinking and anger, and asked me how did I deal with it during our relationship. I was at a loss at how to handle this information. Should I be honest with this young fragile girl and tell her that my advice was to run as fast as she could while she still had ambition and some self worth? Before he crushed her soul and made her feel like everything she did wasn't good enough, that she wasn't good enough. Do I risk my daughter losing the only somewhat mature and responsible parental figure she had at her dad's? At this point it was Amy who was providing all my daughter's needs when she visited her father. He once again was not working and was living off of the girl he was with. Amy was no saint, but she was young and impressionable, clearly with low self esteem. She clung to the first person that made her feel special, and then he used that co-dependancy to control and manipulate her. I knew this because it wasn't that long ago that I was that girl.
In the end I decided to tell her that this was a decision only she could make. I told her that everyone has a breaking point, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says, you are not going to leave until you're ready. To this day I'm not sure if Charlie knows about those conversations. And unfortunately she still hasn't reached her breaking point. As of now they have been together 6 years and got married last fall. Everytime I see her timidly and silently walking behind him I feel bad for her. In the brief moments I've seen her apart from Charlie she is happy and full of life. I'm somewhat hopeful that one day she will make the choice to leave if things don't get better for her.
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