The Calm Before the Storm

 
                   Introducing Amy

Some time had passed and Charlie met a girl (Amy) and quickly moved in with her. Since Amy's house was the place where our daughter would be staying when she visited her father, I of course wanted to meet her. She seemed very sweet, somewhat meek and timid but she was also much younger than Charlie, so that could explain her demeanor. She had jumped into a very complicated situation, and was not only taking in a man she hardly knew but also his child.

Given the circumstances I feel like she handled it very well. She and Cindy seemed to adore each other. When Cindy would come home from spending time there she had nothing but great things to say about Amy. They got along very well and she treated my daughter with kindness, and respected the fact that Charlie came as a package deal. As a mom that is one of your biggest concerns "is this woman going to love my child or see her as an inconvenience? Is she going to treat her well or resent her?" Needless to say I was very happy with how things were turning out for Cindy's sake. Charlie also appeared to be growing up and maturing as an adult, and in turn becoming a better father. He even ended up getting a job, and shortly after he and Amy officially got a place together. Cindy would come home happy and in a good emotional state.

                  Finding love again

    About 6 months later I reconnected with my old friend Rob. We got to know each other again and quickly realized there was more than a friendship happening this time around. Once I knew it was serious I introduced him to Cindy. They instantly bonded and loved spending time together. Above all Rob understood and respected the fact that Cindy is my #1. As a single mom it's hard to find a man that genuinely understands that, rather than getting jealous and resentful of the child. It sounds silly but it happens much more often than you'd think.

     I had a feeling early on that this was the man I wanted to marry. I had been in 2 other long-term relationships and even after years of being with both of those men, I never felt the way that I was feeling with Rob. Cindy would often comment on how much she liked him because of how happy he makes us both. Before we got engaged he took Cindy out and proposed to her as well. He bought her a ring and asked if he could join our family. He made it very clear that he was in no way trying to replace her dad and that she could call him whatever she felt comfortable calling him. (Side note.. I wonder what he would have done if she said no ;) ) Thankfully she didn't, and she was overjoyed with Rob joining our family.
 
                       Setting a schedule

       Very shortly after getting married Rob's line of work presented him with a very lucrative opportunity in North Dakota. We discussed many options such as me and Cindy staying in Utah and visiting him frequently, or she and I moving to North Dakota with him. Of course nothing was seriously considered until I had the chance to speak with Charlie. I made it very clear that I would not go anywhere unless he and I agreed on a schedule and plan that both of us felt comfortable with. I threw out several options all of which Rob and I agreed to pay the accommodations for.

We finally all agreed that she would come with me, but that we'd all (Rob, Cindy and I) come back on a monthly or bi-monthly basis and she would stay with Charlie while we were in town. Based on how things were going in Charlie's life, she could possibly stay for a few weeks at a time. She was 3 at the time and not yet in school, so there was still the flexibility to arrange this type of schedule. I was not thrilled at the thought of possibly going several weeks without Cindy being home, but it's no different than a court-ordered schedule where the child spends the summer with the non-custodial parent.

Cindy spent the first few weeks with her dad while Rob and I went to North Dakota and put down some roots. I quickly got a job and found a good daycare for Cindy, and then we went back and got her. She spoke to her father regularly, several times a week on the phone, and at least once a week on Skype. A few months after the move I became pregnant.  For the first few months we came back monthly like we had promised. But the next time we arranged to bring Cindy back for a several week visit, Charlie had said not to. He said that he was in between apartments, and he felt it was best that he not take Cindy at that time.       

                 We had to make a choice   
     
        By this time I was a few months pregnant, and the place we lived in North Dakota did not have the proper medical care for my high risk pregnancy. (I was born with a very rare liver disease, which greatly affected my pregnancies). We ended up coming back a few times so I could see the doctor that treated me with my first pregnancy, and Cindy could visit her father even if she wasn't going to stay with him for a few weeks. As I got further along in my pregnancy some complications arose, and all around Rob and I agreed it was best if Cindy and I go back to Utah. Cindy would be able to see her dad on a more regular basis again and I would get the necessary medical treatment. Rob was going to stay at his current company until after the baby was born (because I needed to remain insured) and he would follow suit a few months after. He visited frequently during this time and was able to take a few weeks off when Jasmine was born.


Charlie and Amy had since moved in to an apartment near by, and regular visits with Cindy began again. Things were going better than ever in all aspects. I truly thought that he had changed and things were different.  Not just because of what he was saying but because of actions I saw. The responsibilities I saw him taking on, the job, the seemingly stable relationship he was in. But most importantly Cindy was not expressing anything that seems concerning anymore. She appeared happy to go with him and happy to be there. Unfortunately  non of that lasted long.

 The calm was over and the storm was brewing.

Single Mom Life

         I knew in my gut this was for the best 

         Like I mentioned earlier Charlie and I split when our daughter was about to turn 2 years old. And honestly after the initial heartbreak and adjusting to the difficulties that come from a split involving a child, I was actually happier than I had been in a long time! I knew that things had ended for good and for the right reasons. There were no "what ifs" or "am I making a mistake." I can only speak for myself when I say in all regards to the emotional and relationship aspect of the split, it was a pretty clean break. The difficulties came from the co-parenting aspect.
                Ignoring the warning signs

      I was now a single mom with other single mom friends. The father of some of my friend's children wanted nothing to do with their child. While observing this I became so grateful that Charlie wanted to be in Cindy's life that I ended up overlooking many things I shouldn't have. He still had no responsibilities. He was bouncing around from place to place. He had no job. But more importantly he wasn't treating our daughter well.


       Charlie is very cunning and he used my life experiences as a manipulation tactic. My dad died when I was young and I wished for nothing more than to have him in my life. Charlie of course knew that, so he would use that information as a way to get pity every time I tried to protect our child from his lifestyle.

                         For the record

         I want to make it perfectly clear that I never wanted to remove him from her life. I only wanted her protected when she did go with him. I didn't want her around inappropriate and/or certain adult situations.  I understand that I couldn't put her in a bubble and protect her from everything,  but there are things that a child just shouldn't be subjected to. (I'll elaborate on that later).

             You can't make someone change

    For two years I bent over backwards to accommodate him when Cindy was in his care. He never had money or food, so I would supply the necessities when she went with him. I would give him rides and resources to try to help him get to a better place for our daughters sake.  Some friends and family even thought I was still in a romantic relationship with him because of the lengths I would go to, to help him. That wasn't the case although looking back I understand why they thought that. The truth was that I felt like if I could help him get to a better place in life, then maybe he would become the father that our daughter deserved. It turns out all I was doing was enabling him to have even less ambition in life and to leech off of the person who was actually providing for our child.

• I was by no means well off. In fact it was quite the opposite. A co-worker and I rented a home, and I worked insane hours to make ends meet. But I was willing to do whatever it took to help our daughter have stability.

What led to the separation?

                     Where it all began

My daughter's father and I met in 2008. We were never married. We had a decent relationship, but we were young without many responsibilities at the time. We didn't really get a chance to truly know each know at the core of who we were as as individuals.

                    When someone shows you who they are....believe them the first time -Maya Angelou


Most of our time together was spent partying (drinking on the weekends) and having fun. I was in my early 20's with no kids. I worked full-time, and he was recovering from an injury on the job. All I had to go off of who he was previously, was what he told me. So I assumed he was a hard-working man who was down on his luck due to the injury. At the time I wasn't able to see how he handled adult life. Overtime I was able to get a glimpse of his character. He was fine taking handouts and blaming the world for his circumstances, and he had no drive in life. I had always worked hard and taken full responsibility for myself (once I became an adult) so this was strange to me, but not enough to end the relationship. Over time though, I began to see a dark and angry side of Charlie, one that mostly came out when he was drinking, which by then had become a frequent endeavor. But being the fixer I was at the time, I believed I could change him and his behavior... As with most similar situations that was clearly not the case.

                       Bun in the oven

By the time I found out I was pregnant I was already aware that he wasn't someone I wanted to spend my life with, but I wasn't going to walk away without giving it a fair shot.

      I wanted so badly to be a family and not give up, that I chose to see past our extreme differences and fight to make it work. I thought staying together and having mom and dad in the same home was the only way to give her a "real family". I quickly learned that that's not always the case. If Mom and Dad aren't happy, don't fit well together, or are not treating each other well, it turns out that can be much worse than living in two separate homes.  I also learned that a real family is simply one filled with unconditional love and support, regardless of how many members it contains. Her dad and I would always be her family, whether or not he and I were together.

                       Calling it quits

     We finally separated 1 month before she turned 2 years old. After multiple DUI's, drug charges, a couple times of catching him cheating on me, and many many fights and sleepless nights, it was time to call it. Time of death 9:58pm September 20th 2011.  I'll spare you all the details and answer a question that is probably on every one's mind. Why did you stay so long?  Well, one reason was I knew that at least if we were in the same home that our daughter was safe and well taken care of with me there. But I'll be completely honest, I was young, naive, and thought I was in love and I was hoping that eventually he would grow up, and want to be the partner and father that she and I both deserved.

 Then an incident happened that forced me to wake up and realize this is who he is, things aren't going to get better.  In fact they'll probably get much worse if I continue down this road. Looking back I am so grateful for the bad (at least the bad directed at me) because it was part of the path that led me to who I am now. I am stronger because of what I went through.
 

Intro and disclaimer

For the past few years I've wanted to do something that would help people who were in my situation. The situation of debating whether or not to file for custody of your child. After several years I knew that filing was the very best thing for my daughter's safety, health, and overall well being, but I was terrified to take the first step. Up until that point her father and I had no official agreement or court orders in place. The only experience I ever had with custody cases were the ones I watched my mom and sister go through. Both cases were ugly, drawn out, and extremely expensive. Not to mention the hell I watched them go through, especially the children involved.

My biggest regret is that I didn't do this sooner, at an age when she was too young to comprehend what was going on. I could have spared her from so much mental anguish. But I kept hoping and praying that we could co-parent without the courts involved.



So What exactly is this Blog about?


The first several (7 or so) posts will basically be my journey through the why's and how's of filing for custody on my own. Our Commissioner was new, we were one of her first 5 cases. Even other professionals were blown away at how our case was being handled and how crazy things got. I'll be honest, if someone told me some of the things that took place in our case, I would have a hard time believing them.  So I just wanted to offer hope to other parents that no matter how bad things get, to never stop fighting for your child.  After I tell you my story, my posts will be more about you. How I can help you, things that I learned along the way that I wish I would have known. Tips and resources that were a godsend for me. As well as several other things I was going through at the same time as the custody "battle".

You'd be right to assume that something like this would take up all your physical and mental attention and energy, but as with anything, life doesn't stand still so that we can deal with our struggles. So in the same span of time I was also dealing with my youngest child's neuromuscular issues, in and out of the hospital searching for a diagnosis, caring for my mother that recently had several Strokes and a rare brain disorder (both seemingly appearing out of thin air) and trying to maintain a marriage in the midst of it all.

My only motive here is to help others in similar situations and to encourage you to never stop fighting for your children no matter how hopeless it may seem. If I can just help one parent not feel alone, helpless, or in over their head, then I have accomplished my goal in writing this.

The best piece of advice I have (and the one I clung to the most throughout this process)  is to

always remember your "why"

DISCLAIMER:

• I am in no way attempting to portray a lawyer or give legal advice, I'm also not stating that this is the right way or best way to file for custody. I will say that it damn sure isn't the easy way, but for some parents (like myself) it was the only option I had. It was either do it on my own, or let the current situation continue.  So I'm simply explaining what I did and why, and venting along the way. Also since we are still going through the proceedings (and most importantly for the privacy of my child) I will be changing the names of all mentioned parties.

   
Please comment your thoughts. Let's get a dialogue going and not keep these situations in the dark. Unfortunately so many of us suffer through these battles in silence. We feel guilt and shame for putting our child through something so horrible. We feel embarrassed for not seeing the warning signs.

 I promise you that if you are doing this for the right reasons (and not just on a power trip trying to remove the other parent from the situation for no real reason) then you aren't doing anything wrong! You have nothing to feel shame about. What matters is that now you are choosing to do the right thing for your children.